How do I help a friend or family member in an abusive relationship?

Supporting a friend or family member in an abusive relationship can be difficult, but your response can make a difference. Domestic violence affects our entire community, and compassionate, patient support matters. Below are key dos and don’ts we share in community trainings and outreach.

1. This is happening. Realize it. Acknowledge it. Accept it. At some point in their lifetime, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men will report physical abuse, sexual abuse, or stalking by an intimate partner. So, it’s not a matter of if we will encounter domestic violence, but when. When it does show up, we can’t ignore it. As a family member, friend, or neighbor, you have a role to play in supporting victims of abuse. 

2. Have empathy & don’t judge. Abusive relationships aren’t abusive 100% of the time; they can still have moments that feel caring or hopeful, which can make it harder to leave. Many people stay because they hope their partner will change. Focus on being a steady, supportive presence. Listen without judgment and avoid giving unsolicited advice or pressuring them to take action. Nobody chooses to be in an abusive relationship. Remember that leaving an abusive relationship is a process, not an event. And it’s important not to push or insert yourself into that process.

3. Focus on concerning behaviors. Instead of making judgments about their partner, talk about the behaviors that you have seen or heard about that you find concerning. For example:

• I noticed your partner talking down to you yesterday. I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing. I believe everyone deserves to be treated with respect. 

• You’ve told me your partner has hit you once or twice. I want you to know that I believe you and I believe everyone deserves to feel safe in their relationships. I wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

• You mentioned that your partner often accuses you of overreacting. I want you to know that your feelings are valid.

Point out the abusive behaviors, name that those behaviors are not okay, and validate your friend’s reaction. Avoid any comments or phrases that blame the victim. Remind them that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and continue validating, encouraging, and supporting them consistently. 

4. Don’t push them to leave. Abuse can escalate quickly. Statistically, the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when a victim attempts to leave, especially if they don’t have a safety plan. Other risk factors include threats to kill the victim, access to firearms, a history of violence, pregnancy, and strangulation (Violence Free MN). If you see or hear about those factors, it is especially important to give your friend a warm referral to Sojourner and encourage them to reach out to one of our advocates to help assess their risk and develop a safety plan. 

5. Respect their choices. Survivors are the experts on their specific situation, and they have the right to make the decision that makes them feel safest. Survivors are constantly weighing the risks and asking themselves, “Is staying safer right now than leaving?” They often operate under circumstances of extreme control and make decisions under threats of violence to themselves or their children. There can also be love, hope, shared history, children, financial realities – all of which make the situation more complex than it might appear from the outside.  

6. Make a warm referral to Sojourner. Instead of simply giving them Sojourner’s crisis line, try to make the connection as personal as possible. This could include saying things like:

• I went to a presentation hosted by Sojourner; they have very experienced advocates who can help you talk through your situation. They don’t tell people what to do; they help people understand their options.

• This is an organization called Sojourner that helps people in unhealthy relationships. I looked through their website and they look like a great resource for you.

• I volunteer/donate to Sojourner and they’re a great organization that’s helped thousands of people in our community. Would you like me to call with you?

Whenever possible, make a warm, personal connection to Sojourner to help your friend feel more comfortable reaching out. You can also reassure them that all of our services are free and confidential, and that anything they share by phone or email will remain private.

8. Be Patient & Keep the Door Open. It’s important to stay connected and keep the conversation going. Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely a single decision—it’s often a process that takes time. Survivors may be navigating safety planning, finances, housing, childcare, legal concerns, and other challenges. Continue checking in, listening without judgment, and reminding them that you’re there for them. Feeling consistently supported and believed can make it easier for someone to reach out for help and make decisions when they're ready.

When they’re ready, have them call our crisis line (or call with them) and speak to an advocate. 

24/7 Crisis Line: 952-933-7422.

Legal Advocacy: 952-935-1004